B.A. (Before Anderson)

There was Neil Cavuto, former Jimmy Carter intern and host of Fox's money show, Your World with Neil Cavuto. There was a time that I admired his big head for business, before the incident.

A couple of Christmases ago, when he was taking some crap for waxing sentimental about the holiday season, I wrote and stuck up for Neil:

(Sing to the tune of My Favorite Things:)
Neil's eyes, his bright ties, his smile makes you smitten
Hoping he'll send me a signed book he's written
His on-air expression as my letter he sings
These are a few of my favorite things...

I was thrilled when he used my letter on air, and promised me that book. But now, two (or maybe three) Chrismases later, I've finally abandoned waiting by the mailbox. That space of honor on my bookshelf, long reserved for Neil's promised-but-not-delivered book, will go instead to Lint Trap Cleaning for Dummies.

It's very painful to talk about... but I still love him, a little.

Update: Oh, it's the holidays.. Let's give him another chance, shall we? On his website he's running a little informal poll asking whether gift certificates are a good holiday gift. I sent him this:

from: Choolie
to: cavuto@foxnews.com,

date: Nov 30, 2007 9:50 AM
subject: Your poll: Gift Certificates for Christmas? Heck No!

But you know what would be a good Christmas present? The signed book you promised me but never sent when you used my letter on air a couple of Christmases ago. My letter:

(Sing to the tune of My Favorite Things:)
Neil's eyes, his bright ties, his smile makes you smitten
Hoping he'll send me a signed book he's written
His on-air expression as my letter he sings
These are a few of my favorite things...

I was thrilled when you read it, would've been even more thrilled if you sang it, and even more thrilled still if you actually sent the book. Here's another chance. Send me a signed book and on my blog I'll say you're still just as cute as Anderson Cooper.

(But either way, Happy Holidays!)

[My name and address]

Life imitates art (if you can call The Terminator "art")

The machines (our cell phones) are trying to kill us. Question is, do you want it quick or slow?

@#$%!, I'm crushin' on a gay guy again!

Did I learn nothing from the Ricky P. debacle in Jr. High?! Dapper, thin, and perfect hair does not an ideal mate make. O Cruel Attraction! O Tempestuous Fate! Oh.. honey. I'll be right there. Just gotta finish something up here.

But he is so pretty. I can still love him, can't I?

(Article here.)

My Own Socio-Political Couch Experiment! Yippee!

I've shut out politics for the last few years. But Tom Brokaw shook me the other day when in a TV interview he urged, [gravelly voice] "This next election is probably the most important in our lifetimes. Whatever your political view, you owe it to yourself and your countrymen to get involved." Sigh. Ooooo-kay.

Step number one: I watched the Republican YouTube debate last night. I purposely did no googling of backgrounds, and watched no post-debate spin so I'd be able to blog my raw, uninformed, Average-Woman-on-the-Couch impressions-- my own little socio-political experiment! I'll do it with the Dems, too, and then we can track how it all changes moving forward!!! I can do charts and graphs and.. Exciting, ain't it?

Alright-- on to my first impressions:

The CNN/YouTube Unholy alliance: 5000 video questions submitted by people from the internet and only 20 or so are going to air-- so you know the folks who got picked would have to do some wacky shit. It seemed disrespectful at first-- very different from the anchorman/blowhard-fests to which we are accustomed. But I warmed to it real fast-- great to see the mighty men have to deal with the off-the-wall. My favorite question was from the young guy on the rifle range who asked about the Right to Bear Arms, cocked his gun, and said into the camera, "You can answer any way you want..."

Anderson Cooper: still dapper and cute as a button. (Did I ever mention that he's Gloria Vanderbilt's son? Still waiting for that jello wrestling match with Shep Smith, Anderson! Wink! Call me!)

Candidates, going left to right on the stage:

Tancredo (to Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer song): "Ma-ma-ma-Mike Tancredo, has a very funny nose." Okay, so I just cheated and googled to find out his real first name. It's Tom. Not a big impression. Well, except for the nose part. That WAS big.

Huckabee: Charismatic. Has a theology degree, seems to know his Bible, but doesn't seem to thump it. He gave the impression of having strong convictions but also tolerance. Plus he's got that Jared-from-Subway, I-lost-a-ton-of-ugly-fat thing going on. Fatties unite.

Romney: I did have an impression of Mitt going in, I thought he was cool, calm and had Presidential hair. That was smashed last night. (Not the hair, the impression.) He was slick, wily and evasive. In the words of Elmer Fudd, "I don't twust him."

9iu11iani: (I saw his name spelled with the embedded 9-11 on a blog somewhere, and liked it.) I really disliked him going into the debate, but he scored points with me last night. He's got some charisma, despite his Sylvester-the-Puddy-Tat delivery. And he didn't seem as nuts as I had previously thought. He's also got a sense of humor, which, you know, he'd have to, since at any moment you expect him to break out with "Thufferin' Thuccotash!"

Fred Thompson: Ol' Fred scored points with me, too... but pretty much all he had to do to score points was not be dead. He didn't do any Papelbon jigs, but he did have a pulse. Way to go, Fred Ol' Buddy! Keep breathin'!

McCain: I had seen a YouTube video a while back, of a 12-year-old kid doing a McCain impression, and he had his little cheeks all stuffed and kept saying, "Call me Walnuts!" (Sometimes it's better to go into these things with no prior impressions.) So when I got over my immature giggling at the sight of Senator McCain, I realized that on the stage last night, this was the guy with the most Gravitas. He was the most Presidential... even if he hasn't convinced me that his vision is the right one.

Ron Paul: I like some of the stuff he says, I don't like his delivery. He comes off squirrely, a la Ross Perot. Dana Carvey's gonna have a field day. Plus, it seems the others on the stage aren't taking him seriously. It will be interesting to see if his surge continues and if he can be coached in Gravitas. I love that word. It's like onomatapoeia. You know what it is just by hearing it. Bees Buzzing. Bacon Sizzling. Presidential GRAVITAS. (The bolded caps and italics are supposed to make you hear it in a James Earl Jones voice. THIS IS CNN.)

Duncan Hunter: likes to talk about hunting, a built in mnemonic device. Coincidence? I THINK NOT! (For those of you slow on the uptake, that was James Earl Jones again.) Also, Hunter doesn't have as funny a nose as Tancredo. Built a bridge. Or a fence. Or two fences, with a nice road in between. And a shrubbery.

That's all I've got for now. I'm off to stock up on Huckabee Protein Shakes, Fred Thompson VeetaVitaVegimin, and Romeny Hair Gel. I'll catch ya after the next Hillary event...

Ron Paul: Dr. No

lib•er•tar•ian

n. 1. a person who believes in the doctrine of the freedom of the will
2. a person who believes in full individual freedom of thought, expression and action
3. a freewheeling rebel who hates wiretaps, loves Ron Paul and is redirecting politics

By Nick Gillespie and Matt Welch

Sunday, November 25, 2007; Page B01 Washington Post Click here to read article.

Excerpt:

In April 2006, the Pew Research Center published a study suggesting that 9 percent of Americans -- more than enough to swing every presidential election since 1988 -- espouse a "libertarian" ideology that opposes "government regulation in both the economic and the social spheres." That is, a good chunk of your fellow citizens are fiscally conservative and socially liberal; in bumper-stickerese, they love their countrymen but distrust their government. Anyone looking to win elections -- or to make sense of contemporary U.S. politics -- would do well to understand the deep and growing reservoir that Paul is tapping into.

Heidi the Science Kitten

Mild mannered cellular-biologist-turned-homemaker by day...

Act Meow!

Heidi the Science Kitten says, "Stop receiving unwanted catalogs in the mail!" Heidi the Science Kitten says, "Over eight million tons of trees are consumed each year in the production of paper catalogs!" Heidi the Science Kitten says, "Click here meow."

This is so much better than the dancing pizza ad

You're invited to a Tea Party on December 16...

Chad Vader, Episode III

Will the New Laser Checkout System never happen?!! And what about Clarissa??

Bleep everybody! Go Pats.

Click here for a mighty entertaining bit of sportswriting from Bill Simmons of ESPN. (Yeah, it's a very long piece, and I don't understand half of what's going on in it, but somehow it works for me. Kind of like the game of football itself.)

Thanks, Mr. 1/2Cent for sending this!

Afternoon meditation for the harried

A little Bill Wordsworth for your head -- ponder a leaf today, or a breeze or a sunset.

The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers:
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
This Sea that bares her bosom to the moon;
The winds that will be howling at all hours,
And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers;
For this, for everything, we are out of tune,
It moves us not.--Great God! I'd rather be
A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn;
So might I, standing on this pleasant lea,
Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;
Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea;
Or hear old Triton blow his wreathed horn.

Wired: "The End of Oil is Upon Us"

Energy crisis. We are running out of oil. Wired article here.

Is it time to start burning biodiesel in our homes? Check out this article.

(If it makes my house smell like French fries, I'm all for it.)

More with Darth Vader's Brother Chad

Chad Vader, Day Shift Manager Episode II. (Look for Episode I down in the October section of this blog.)

I'm trying to give Chinese toy manufacturers the benefit of the doubt, but...

WTF?

CNN: Toy with 'date rape' drug pulled

The Husband Store

(Thanks for this one, Nancy-pants.)

The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:- "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

Speaking of Minding Your Own Reality

When I named this blog "Mind your own reality" I thought I was on to a clever idea. I think it's turned out to be a private joke that only I get (or that only I think is clever,) but that's okay. Basically, I was thinking one day about how our own perspectives and experiences influence our understanding of the "facts" around us. Each of us has a slightly (or sometimes vastly) different background, and therefore one person's take on what's going on around us-- "the facts"-- is ALWAYS going to differ slightly from the next person's. So we all have our own reality, and they are all valid. It's like an opinion. You can't say my reality is wrong, and I can't say yours is. So mind your own. (It sounds less and less clever as I explain, but at the time, it was an "Ah-ha" idea to me...)

This morning reading the Herald, I found the best illustration of the concept: two accounts of an arrest outside Stone Hearth Pizza in Needham on Friday. You remember Friday afternoon- Needham was in lockdown after a guy installing a sprinkler system at a residence murdered the owner of the home sparking a televised manhunt. During that time, human rights activist Hillel Neuer, having finished giving a report at Yale, stopped in to the pizzeria to eat, change clothes and call a cab... Two realities resulted-- the one of the spooked Needhamites unaccustomed to lockdown and strangers acting differently, and the one of the busy international human rights activist unaware of the situation but with somewhere to go. (Check out the two pictures of Hillel's realities above, shaking Kofi Annan's hand at an earlier date, and being arrested outside the pizza shop at gunpoint.) Maybe it's my caffeine buzz, but I think this is fascinating:

Needhamites:

http://www.bostonherald.com/news/regional/general/view.bg?articleid=1042854

Busy activist:

http://www.bostonherald.com/news/regional/general/view.bg?articleid=1042864



If you had been having a pizza that afternoon, what would your reality have been like?

Manny on Leno

I used up all of my staying up late vouchers for the next year and a half watching those 8PM Sox games. Thank heaven for YouTube so I can catch the late night shows.

Big Papi Bedazzles Conan

I Heart Papelbon

Big Papi has vowed to get him back on Conan tonight. That oughta be good.

Elizabeth Kucinich 1, Media 0

I really wanted to blog about Dennis Kucinich this morning. After reading Howie Carr's column (here) I wanted to poke fun at Kucinich for seeing a UFO, or for hanging out with Shirley MacLaine or just rehash the fact that he looks like the Lucky Charms Leprechaun and is married to a gorgeous tongue-studded Amazon. It's not that I don't like him, or UFOs or Shirley MacLaine (or tongue-studded Amazons in theory)-- I was just being lazy, and he's easy comedy fodder. I mean, check out his appearance on the Colbert Report-- Stephen hardly breaks a sweat:





So when I read that Elizabeth Kucinich had done her first TV interview, I thought it was going to be a hoot. The correspondent, Norah O'Donnell, asked squirrely, Lifetime-TV-for-Women questions about all of those things we giggle about, and yeah, some of Elizabeth's responses were Lifetimey, too, but some were cool enough to make Norah look like an idiot. (click below) Way to go Elizabeth! I guess you had to be smart to hook up with Rumpelstiltskin!


Elizabeth Kucinich on the trail

More Yuks

This one's funny, too. I especially love the "one-fingered victory salute" at the beginning.

Friday Coffee Break Yuks

This is a little old, but it still cracked me up this morning: