And the Best Advertisement of the Year Goes To

Chicago furniture store, Leather Creations:

Because Sometimes an Erection Lasting More than Four Hours is a Good Thing

The Afghan chieftain looked older than his 60-odd years, and his bearded face bore the creases of a man burdened with duties as tribal patriarch and husband to four younger women. His visitor, a CIA officer, saw an opportunity, and reached into his bag for a small gift.

Four blue pills. Viagra.

"Take one of these. You'll love it," the officer said. Compliments of Uncle Sam.

From the Washington Post.

The Best Thing Ever

What are you doing here, when you could be over here?!

After the VP Debate: "Eliza Doolittle's Big Night?" OR "You Can Put Lipstick on a Pygmalion...?"

Governor Palin, do you see the current economic bill as a Wall Street Bailout or a Main Street Rescue?

"The Pain on Main's felt mainly on the soccer field... I betcha."


By George, I think she's got it!


Okay, okay... I'm stretching it a little, forcing the metaphor. Sarah Palin did well. No major gaffes, she connected well with the camera, she had her talking points down, there was no major blood letting. Well done, Guv'nor. And a "well done," "a pip pip cheerio," and a "cup cup cup cup of of of of tea tea tea tea" to the Henry Higginses of the McCain camp. My only complaint--I just wish I had my Palin Bingo card while I was watching:




This just in -- the top secret debate flowchart:

Now THAT's a plan!

McCain�s Economic Plan For Nation: 'Everyone Marry A Beer Heiress'

Tina does it again

This is pretty goshdarn funny.

Anderson Who? Shepwho Smith?

I've got a new crush!

And according to nndb.com, he's straight! Yay me!

How I Met Your Father

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Don't be a litterbug...

Anti litter message for the Karma age... harder hitting than a teary Native American, a fate worse than the Group W Bench:

Suey!

"Who are you calling a pig, Mister?!"

Barack calls Sarah a pig.. or does he? Click here. Jane Swift thinks so. That must make it right.

Let me just think this through... If my husband and I are having a conversation with our neighbor, and our neighbor uses the expression, "You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig," and my husband jumps up and yells, "That's a terrible thing to say about my wife!"...

Who do you think I'm gonna be mad at?

If I were Sarah, I'd smack John on the back of the head.



Just sayin'...

Guys: Pay close attention

I haven't been blogging lately. With current political events and gossip and rumors, I've been concerned about the role of the blogosphere. Yes, in general more information is good, but unreliable, un-sourced, my-cousin-knows-a-girl-who-said-she-knows-a-guy-who-did-blow-with-the-candidate-at-a-gay-bar stuff is irresponsible and in some cases reprehensible. So I've been hanging back and observing.

But today-- today! I am moved to blog this. No one can dispute the facts herein:

Wanna see John Kerry's millions of sweat glands dropping the deuce?

Here's an entertaining article about Secretary of State Secretary of Defense Baron Von Senator Kerry in Boston Magazine by Joe Keohane.

Olympian Choolie

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Brain Teasers - Welcome Back from Vacation Edition

These are pretty clever. Try to resist moving quickly. Look at each picture, try to determine what it represents, and then look at the answer below the picture.

In the comments let me know how many you got! (I didn't do so well, but it was pre-coffee!)
















Light beer
















Card shark
















Assaulted peanut
















Doctor Pepper
















Egg plant
















Knight mare
















Hole milk
















King of Pop
















Tap dancers
















Gator aide
















Pool table
















Eye pod

Word of the day at Dictionary.com

sesquipedalian \ses-kwuh-puh-DAYL-yuhn\, adjective:
1. Given to or characterized by the use of long words.
2. Long and ponderous; having many syllables.

noun:
1. A long word.

As a sesquipedalian stylist, he can throw a word like 'eponymous" into a sentence without missing a beat.
-- Campbell Patty, "The sand in the oyster", The Horn Book Magazine, May 15, 1996

. . .her eccentric family's addiction to sesquipedalians (that big word for "big words"), and her furtive passion for flossy mail-order-catalog prose.
-- David Browne, "Books/The Week", Entertainment Weekly, October 23, 1998

Sesquipedalian comes from Latin sesquipedalis, "a foot and a half long, hence inordinately long," from sesqui, "one half more, half as much again" + pes, ped-, "a foot."

Dictionary.com Entry here.

Coming Attractions...

For more info, click here.

Time for Some Campaignin'

Starring *me*! (Jibjab lets you animate yourself! At 1:53, that's me!)

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This isn't schadenfreude.

I'm just bracing myself. It's not pleasant watching public figures come undone, and this one could get really ugly. (Here.)

Attention Old People: The saying "Jumped the shark" has "Nuked the Fridge"

You know how it used to be cool to say something "jumped the shark" when you were describing how that something has passed its prime and become ridiculous and/or dated? (You know, it harkens back to that Happy Days espisode when Fonzie water skis over the shark.) Well, you can't say "jumped the shark" anymore-- lest you out yourself as a geezer-- because that expression has um, passed its prime, etc. You wanna be a cool hipster? Then you gotta say, "nuked the fridge."

Sorry Indy. (Click here.)

Cell phones

Not for kids? Click here.

Maybe it's best to get a hands-free headset and limit your usage... just in case.

Remember these guys?

Irony! Satire!

The New Yorker cover... do you trust your neighbor to get it? John does. Click here.

Warning: John's posts freely use the F word, in large print. Don't open around your boss or your kids.

Uncle Louie's Picture Picks

Estrogen Wednesday

I asked Charles if I could guest-blog an Estrogen Wednesday on BigMattress.com. It's not so much because he sucks at Estrogen Wednesday exactly; he does the best he can with what he's got. I mean, I know nothing of the relative merits of boobs versus tushies, I can't speak intelligently of gear ratios, and I don't know what a "touchback" is. I don't have the resources-- the equipment-- to take on a Testosterone Tuesday. And on Wednesdays, Charles does the best he can with his... limited equipment.

Now for my task, it'd be easy to just post a picture of Marky Mark Wahlberg and call it a day. I mean, Schwing!:

Am I right? Don'tcha just wanna get out a little xylophone mallet and play "Lady of Spain" on his six pack? No? Okay, okay, some of you want to go a little more cerebral; you need more for the imagination. I'm feelin ya. How 'bout this?

Oh, Indy, you impertinent rogue. You know I know where the Ark is, but I'll never tell you. Not even if you ravish me ten, no twenty times tonight. Now stop looking at me that way or I'll... I'll...

Ahem, anyway. I'm not going to go those routes for this Estrogen Wednesday. Instead, I'm going to use this forum to tackle an important issue: Charles' Blog Author Photo. You know, the one in the top right corner of the blog. The one that changes every other day or so. What's up with that? How hard is it to choose a photo? You've got your color scheme, your theme, your motivation, expression, shape, size... Ah.. girl stuff. I'm thinking here's a guy who needs the help of an estrogen brigade. So step up, women. Sound off, vote, and use those female hormones to the common good.

Item One - LadyArtist's Masterpiece

Let's hear a group "Awwww." Isn't she talented? This is clearly Most Awesome. But it's an election year, and Charles-Bama is looking for CHANGE. So, like rearranging your bra drawer to move the fushia push-ups to the front and put the comfy, white cotton, no-poke underwire ones in the back for a little extra SASSY!, so too, must we put away our favorite for a while to rock da house.

Which brings us to...

The Blue Shirt/Glasses One, aka "The Gay One"

There is a contingent, including the model himself, who thinks this picture is of Charles' inner homosexual (not that there's anything wrong with it-- it's just not what he was going for.) I disagree. This looks like Charles to me. I like the glasses, I like the blue. The facial expression is sincere and familiar. To me this picture does not say "Hiya, Sailors!" Rather, it says something more profound and appreciative... something like, "Oh! You brought cacciatore!"

And then finally, the most recent contender:

A Farewell to Arms, aka Captain RedShirt

Arg, me hardees

First, let's give a shout out to the photog. Nice job, clearly posed and composed. That being said-- maybe it's the facial expression, but I don't know that guy. Is this an Ernest Hemingway dustjacket? Does this stranger have indigestion or is that a pirate smile? I dunno. I've never seen that face before.

But, in the plus column, the blue photo background is handy for photoshop.

Er

Um

Or

Yes, yes, I suck at Photoshop. It's not even really Photoshop-- too expensive-- it's Photoshop's trailer trash cousin, Microsoft Paint. That's not the point. The point is, Charles needs your help. His authorial identity, his Blogmeister Image, the entire Feng Shui of his site depends upon YOU.

Do you prefer Charles in a blue state or a red one? Does size matter? And can somebody please do better than I did with Photoshop? (Send Photoshop entries to Charles' email.) Vote in the comments back at bigmattress.com- early and often!

Update

This just in-- from LadyArtist.

We can call this "Blue Hawaii" (for the shirt)

And two new ones:

The one on the left, (my new favorite) is from 1976 and came from Danny. The new red shirt one on the right is recent. Let's call them "Then" and "Now." Or should that be "Before" and "After?" (Click on the photos for larger versions.)