Estrogen Wednesday

I asked Charles if I could guest-blog an Estrogen Wednesday on BigMattress.com. It's not so much because he sucks at Estrogen Wednesday exactly; he does the best he can with what he's got. I mean, I know nothing of the relative merits of boobs versus tushies, I can't speak intelligently of gear ratios, and I don't know what a "touchback" is. I don't have the resources-- the equipment-- to take on a Testosterone Tuesday. And on Wednesdays, Charles does the best he can with his... limited equipment.

Now for my task, it'd be easy to just post a picture of Marky Mark Wahlberg and call it a day. I mean, Schwing!:

Am I right? Don'tcha just wanna get out a little xylophone mallet and play "Lady of Spain" on his six pack? No? Okay, okay, some of you want to go a little more cerebral; you need more for the imagination. I'm feelin ya. How 'bout this?

Oh, Indy, you impertinent rogue. You know I know where the Ark is, but I'll never tell you. Not even if you ravish me ten, no twenty times tonight. Now stop looking at me that way or I'll... I'll...

Ahem, anyway. I'm not going to go those routes for this Estrogen Wednesday. Instead, I'm going to use this forum to tackle an important issue: Charles' Blog Author Photo. You know, the one in the top right corner of the blog. The one that changes every other day or so. What's up with that? How hard is it to choose a photo? You've got your color scheme, your theme, your motivation, expression, shape, size... Ah.. girl stuff. I'm thinking here's a guy who needs the help of an estrogen brigade. So step up, women. Sound off, vote, and use those female hormones to the common good.

Item One - LadyArtist's Masterpiece

Let's hear a group "Awwww." Isn't she talented? This is clearly Most Awesome. But it's an election year, and Charles-Bama is looking for CHANGE. So, like rearranging your bra drawer to move the fushia push-ups to the front and put the comfy, white cotton, no-poke underwire ones in the back for a little extra SASSY!, so too, must we put away our favorite for a while to rock da house.

Which brings us to...

The Blue Shirt/Glasses One, aka "The Gay One"

There is a contingent, including the model himself, who thinks this picture is of Charles' inner homosexual (not that there's anything wrong with it-- it's just not what he was going for.) I disagree. This looks like Charles to me. I like the glasses, I like the blue. The facial expression is sincere and familiar. To me this picture does not say "Hiya, Sailors!" Rather, it says something more profound and appreciative... something like, "Oh! You brought cacciatore!"

And then finally, the most recent contender:

A Farewell to Arms, aka Captain RedShirt

Arg, me hardees

First, let's give a shout out to the photog. Nice job, clearly posed and composed. That being said-- maybe it's the facial expression, but I don't know that guy. Is this an Ernest Hemingway dustjacket? Does this stranger have indigestion or is that a pirate smile? I dunno. I've never seen that face before.

But, in the plus column, the blue photo background is handy for photoshop.

Er

Um

Or

Yes, yes, I suck at Photoshop. It's not even really Photoshop-- too expensive-- it's Photoshop's trailer trash cousin, Microsoft Paint. That's not the point. The point is, Charles needs your help. His authorial identity, his Blogmeister Image, the entire Feng Shui of his site depends upon YOU.

Do you prefer Charles in a blue state or a red one? Does size matter? And can somebody please do better than I did with Photoshop? (Send Photoshop entries to Charles' email.) Vote in the comments back at bigmattress.com- early and often!

Update

This just in-- from LadyArtist.

We can call this "Blue Hawaii" (for the shirt)

And two new ones:

The one on the left, (my new favorite) is from 1976 and came from Danny. The new red shirt one on the right is recent. Let's call them "Then" and "Now." Or should that be "Before" and "After?" (Click on the photos for larger versions.)

Welcome Big Mattress Fans!

Charles linked to my blog from his again. I know this because my normally puny hit statistics have quadrupled again, just like the last few times he did that. You all don't hang around for long, though, and I thought that might be because I'm not addressing your needs. So, because I value your visit (and because this time he linked to me by calling me a bitch), let me make my smarmy case for the occasional skipping over to Choolie's blog.

Now, I worked with Chuckkkk. I know Chuckkkk. Chuckkkk is a friend of mine. Senator, I'm no Chuckkkk. And I know that Chuckkkk's your Daddy. He says "click here" and you say "how high?" I'm not trying to compete with that. He's your familiar downy nest, and I'm but a stranger with candy. And sometimes not even good candy. Sometimes, it's that sticky Swedish fishy candy that sticks to your dental work, and I know some of you more seasoned Friends of Charles probably have some significant dental work. And some of you don't find me funny. And some of you don't find me interesting. And some of you are still wondering what a Swedish fish is.

But let me give you a hypothetical:

The phone rings at 3am. In your house. You answer it and inform the caller that no, there is no Lisa there. At 3:02, the phone rings again. "Brad" insists "that slut Lisa " must be there. You firmly say no, and hang up. At 3:04, it rings a third time and you spend until 3:24 counseling Brad that he must cut down on Jagermeister shots, go back to travel agent school, send his mother an Easter card, and never again drunk-dial the One Nighter with whom he suffered poor sexual performance after a vast misunderstanding in which she took him for a roadie backstage at Ozfest.

It's 3:25. You're not getting back to sleep in this lifetime. TV is all infomercials, vapid sitcoms and Jacqueline Smith movies. And you ate all the leftover Peking Ravioli when you got up to go pee an hour ago. Whose blog are you going to visit?

Choolie's blog:

• Accepts visits from smokers

• And Republicans

• And Republican Smokers

• Has no comments-per-post limit (except for spam and flaming)

• Loves an AOL chatroom feel

• Doesn't mind if you wear perfume/cologne

• And will never correct your spelling or grammar

Y'all come back now, ya hear?

NEW NEW NEW!

My updated stump speech (updated June 10, 2008):

• And there's no porn here (Okay, so I just lost half of you...)

You can go back to my main page by clicking here. Or if you must go back to Charles' page-- you know where the "back" button is.